This week I have been in a funk, and not the groovy kind. Sleep is the only thing that seems desirable and all bets are off on the commitments I made this week. I've been in this place before and it won't be the last time, but that doesn't mean I can't learn more about myself in the process. I'm choosing this opportunity for some re-parenting.
There is a difference in this feeling this time. I'm not getting as caught up in all the troubling thoughts as I did in past episodes as I have come to call them. Thank you Headspace. Before, I would find myself constantly stuck in self beat up mode and blame myself for being in this depressive state.
Instead, I'm choosing to be curious by asking different questions. Sometimes my brain likes to go to "WHY ME?!" or "You suck for letting yourself get down, you weren't thinking positively enough" and this can lead down a slippery slope. What I'm asking instead is, "What do I need?" or "Who can I call that can give me space to breathe?" This allows room to acknowledge uncomfortable emotions AND provide steps I can take to give back to myself.
I look inside at what the child version of myself would have needed. Is it rest? Rescheduling meetings? Having a day where I just sit out on the deck? Journal? Each time is different and it can be a combination of different techniques. While it's really easy to think about all the things I'm not doing, I write out a few bullet points of things that have gone well. The smallest ones count too, you fed yourself today? Nice work! No need to catastrophize here by thinking of the worse case scenario that will likely never happen.
When I'm in a depressive state, I've identified past behaviors with my therapist which include but is not limited to: avoiding conflict, procrastinating, isolating myself, not eating, eating too much, smoking, lots of sleep, not enough sleep, lack of interest in personal hygiene, or negative self talk.
Things I've identified that support my well-being during this time: watching funny movies, dancing in my room, doodling, Facetiming a friend, playing guitar/singing, time out in the sun, sleeping in, journaling, comfort food, cruising, letting myself cry, or writing things I'm grateful for.
Then there are times like yesterday where I let myself just be in it. I didn't try to change anything or motivate myself to get out of the funk, simply observing and being. It took me so long to just accept where I'm at and recognize the signs because they can go unnoticed at first. No one can tell you what you should or shouldn't be feeling.
In the past, this was always a painful process and I suffered so much through it, constantly feeling the urge to resist being in this space without realizing what I can learn from this experience. Trust me when I say that it takes time to get here and that's okay. Meet yourself where you are. There's no rush whatsoever, so give yourself the time you need. It can also help to let others know what's going on and let your community be there for you.
This is a difficult journey to be in, but you're not alone by any means no matter how lonely this may seem. You're doing the best you can with what you have with where you're at. I hope this can be a message to let you know that there's nothing bad about what you're feeling, so feel it all. Keep being curious and asking yourself what you need in this moment. It may be just what your body has been asking for.
Lastly, I still showed up to a check-in call with a close friend and we made this song together and that really showed me that I can make things even when it feels like I'm not in the headspace to do so. AND I wrote this post, so that's two things to celebrate. Happy being (: